


[un]alone

by Feekins



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Disorder, Big Queer Supportive Dorks in Love, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Farah Black (mentioned) - Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, References to Unnaturally-Colored Breakfast Foods, Todd Brotzman is a Good Boyfriend, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-28
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-09-29 11:33:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17202698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Feekins/pseuds/Feekins
Summary: The first step toward recovery is recognizing you have a problem - a difficult task when you have Always been This Way, and your coping mechanisms consist exclusively of avoidance and distraction. Fortunately, the universe has its ways of opening even the most stubbornly closed eyes. Who'd have thought a spontaneous dinner invitation was one of them?





	[un]alone

**Author's Note:**

> A couple weeks ago, I opened up a new document to vent a little because I got really frustrated while working on another fic...except I ended up venting more than little, and it kind of took on a life of its own. So. Here we are. A WHOLE lot of dumping my mental health issues onto Dirk and seeing what happens. Let me know what you think? Especially with the characterization - I'm still unsure of how well I'm doing with that;;;;;
> 
> Special thanks to Jasper, Kho, how bout no, and everyone else on the Discord for their encouragement. I appreciate y'all a whole hell of a lot. :,D

It was when they were between cases that it got particularly bad. Dirk _needed_ to keep busy. He couldn't, though, because, for the time being, the universe flatly _refused_ to pull him toward anything big. All Dirk's hunches led him to was the temporary and mundane. A lost cat. A misplaced wedding band. Little not-cases would fall in his lap and get solved within hours, but of _course_ it was never enough for him.  _Nothing_ was. Dirk didn't know _why_. He just knew that he _hated_ it, and that it  _hurt_ , and that no matter what he did, it wouldn't stop, not for good. That awful pain lingered, went invisible for a little while before flaring back up when he least expected it. That was just The Way Things Were - and Dirk had no reason to believe that would change anytime soon.

Some days, it was like being slowly pulled apart on the rack. Just sitting at his desk, Dirk would feel the anxiety tight in his chest, then clawing up his throat. At times, his head would spin. Always, it was because he'd stopped breathing. That happened more often than he was willing to admit, even to himself. It was like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop - _what_ or _how_ or _why_ , he didn't know - but it never did.  _Ever_.

So Dirk coped just like he always had - which was to say very, very poorly.

Dirk threw himself into every little task, real or imagined, _anything_ to keep his mind otherwise occupied, with just a little more manic gusto than usual - and, naturally, he talked as much as he could all the while. It drove everyone up the wall, he _knew_ it did, but no matter how many times Farah or Todd snapped at him, he couldn't stop, because he knew that if he did, he'd remember that anxious tightness, and he'd think about _why_ it was and _what_ he wasn't, and he'd spiral, and he'd spin out, and everything would be bad forever, and he'd want to cry but he wouldn't be able to. He doubted he'd even remember _how_.

Other times, Dirk felt tight and _heavy_ , like some inexplicable deep emptiness physically weighed him down, and he couldn't speak because he knew that if he tried, he'd just start crying, and the tears wouldn't stop until he was but a husk of a person. When he felt that way, Dirk didn't _dare_ look anyone in the eye. Really, he tried to avoid as much human interaction as possible, and when he couldn't, his lips were tight. The muscles in his jaw were tighter. Dirk felt like at any moment, he'd break, and that was the _last_ thing he wanted. Breaking apart was messy and scary and left him feeling exhausted, too raw, and terrifyingly vulnerable, so of _course_ he preferred to avoid it if at all possible.

For days, that was just what he did.

Dirk prattled on when the restless energy and the tightness in his throat made him want to scream. He willed himself to disappear those moments when it hurt too much to pretend the weight of the world wasn't, in fact, too much to bear. He tried _so hard_ to endure the constant, heavy ache at the very core of his being, tried to ignore how utterly _useless_ he felt, tried not to think about how being stagnant was _actually driving him mad_.

One evening, that meant recounting - in wholly unnecessary detail and in a manner that was, as a matter of course, _far_ more enthusiastic than Dirk felt - that time a horse spontaneously showed up in an old friend's bathroom.

"An entire, _actual_ horse, Todd!" Dirk cried, sweeping his (red, too bright) jacket off the back of his chair with a flourish - and without so much as a fleeting glance over at his assistant, because by this point, Dirk had been at his rambling so long that he neither knew nor cared whether or not Todd was listening. "But the curious thing was, no one saw it get _into_ the apartment. It was just _there!_ It didn't leave any sort of mess in the foyer or up the stairs, either, so _obviously_ , it hadn't just... _waltzed_ through the front door!" And here, Dirk gave his hips a dancing sort of sway for extra emphasis - and to be silly, and because he just felt like it, because all the better to distract himself from the ever-present tightness and hollowness which fed into one another like a bloody ouroboros just under his surface. Oh, but maybe the extra silliness helped distract _Todd_ , too. Maybe it was _just_ the kind of extra insurance Dirk needed to make sure Todd didn't see through him - which, regrettably, Todd seemed to have developed  _quite_ the knack for. Yes, distraction was good. Distracting _Todd_ was good, too, Dirk thought - and then, for some reason, felt _terrible_ about, but of course, he didn't allow himself to dwell on that for long. To that end, Dirk barked out a laugh before continuing, "Now, I know what you're thinking - any _logical_ person would, and you are _quite_ the logical man, Todd - but no, Reg _couldn't_ have cleaned up after it if it _had_. He _was_ obscenely old, even-!"

"Hey, what d'you think of-?"

At once, Dirk's story sputtered to a stop on his lips. What further sealed its fate, ensuring Dirk's train of thought had jumped _completely_ off the rails and careened down into the void beneath it, was the irritated little noise Todd made in the back of his throat before he spoke up again.

"Do you wanna do...iHop, maybe?"

Paused halfway through pulling his jacket on - and with what was surely the most plastic of smiles on his face - Dirk turned, blinked back at Todd from across the office, politely puzzled, both by the suggestion and by the fact that Todd wasn't at his desk, where Dirk was _sure_ he'd last seen him.

"Beg pardon?"

"Uh, for dinner." The familiar _click_ of the lock, and Todd stepped away from the front doors, pocketing his keys. "They're doing green pancakes, aren't they? Like...as a promo for the new Grinch movie. I thought you'd get a kick out of that."

The way Todd spoke was nervous-casual, but in such an _endearing_ way. That, Dirk thought, was _also_ a good distraction, thinking about and noticing such good little things about his dear assistant-slash-boyfriend. So, with a light, cheeky chuckle, he glanced back down as he slid his arm the rest of the way into his jacket sleeve. Eye contact, after all, was beginning to feel _particularly_ risky.

"Well, _I_ thought you _hated_ the new Grinch."

"...okay, yeah, I do." This time, Dirk's chuckle was almost genuine, because he could practically _hear_ the grimace in Todd's admission, even when Todd continued, "But I mean, _you_ loved it, so. I guess it's not _that_ bad."

Something about the way he said this had Dirk looking back up, watching curiously as the other man crossed the room, his (red, comfortingly familiar) sneakers squeaking upon his approach. The closer Todd drew, the clearer Dirk could make out his expression, and _damn it_ , but it made his chest _clench_ , because although Todd's brow was drawn in that way that betrayed the fact that he was trying _not_ to look concerned, there was such gentle _warmth_  in his eyes.

Once he was about a stride away from passing Dirk, Todd paused, the corner of his lips twitching upward as he turned his palm out in invitation.

"C'mon. My treat."

...Shit.

It was like they were back in front of that hospital all those months ago, and Dirk was reeling from those alien, earth-shattering words, _I'm here because I'm your friend_ \- but this time, it was about half six on a chilly Tuesday, and Dirk felt mere moments away from bursting into tears over the promise of _pancakes_.

Except it wasn't the pancakes.

Somehow, Todd _knew_ \- and all of the sudden, the tightness in Dirk's throat had nothing to do with anxiety.

This was bad - or rather, it _should_ have been. Admittedly, Dirk _was_ unnerved, alarmed at how only a few words and a caring look had his defenses crumbling so quickly. He didn't want to break. He hadn't even thought himself so close to breaking, but the thoughtfulness of Todd's offer had Dirk's façade splintering like worn-out wooden support beams. Surely, this showed in the way Dirk's lips twisted, tight even in the uncharacteristically shy smile he managed as he took Todd's hand. But Todd didn't say a thing. He _did_ , however, give Dirk's hand a little squeeze as he turned to lead him away.

Around a desk, past the couch, and away from the main office area they went. Just as they reached the break room, Dirk found his voice again.

"You don't... _have_ to do this, you know."

Of course. Todd was acting out of some sense of obligation. So, really, Dirk didn't have any reason to be so worked up. This sort of thing _was_ , after all, what friends...boyfriends... _assis-boyfriends_...did. Probably. At least, this was what Dirk had half-convinced himself before Todd's reassuring voice, once again, cut through the static drone that was Dirk's Mental Bullshit.

"I know. But I _want_ to. If... _you_ want to. Obviously."

And then, Todd looked to him, and Dirk could see such _care_ and _concern_ all over his face, and he couldn't have nodded his consent more emphatically if he tried.

Again, silence settled over them. Dirk took that time to breathe, attempting to rein his emotions back in, but it was, it turned out, downright _impossible_ to - especially in Todd's warm, steadfast presence, and with the increasing urge to just...talk. About _everything_. It was just too much. Dirk couldn't keep it in anymore - and, he realized, he didn't _have_ to.

The universe was quick to reinforce this.

"...Hey."

It was less the soft word and more the slight nudge of Todd's shoulder against his that drew Dirk's attention back to the here and now. The two of them were paused just before the back door - how had they gotten there so quickly? - and Todd looked...oddly conflicted.

"I'm not-!"

A frustrated sigh, and Todd shook his head - which, despite everything, brought another fond, fragile smile to Dirk's face.

"Todd, it's-!"

Shaking his head again, Todd turned, facing Dirk - and, by extension, Dirk's demons - head-on.

"No, I mean...! Dirk, we don't... _have_ to go into it - your...bad mental place, what's going on with it - right now."

Oh _shit_.

It was at that point that, at last, Dirk felt a pair of hot, fat tears streak down his cheeks. And as his expression softened, Todd - stubborn, sweet, _wonderful_ Todd - gave Dirk's hand another squeeze and leaned in, murmuring as he wiped a tear trail from Dirk's cheek with his thumb, "Just...I'm here, you know? If you need...seriously, _anything_."

The sound Dirk made in immediate response was either a wet little laugh or a barely choked back sob.

"Unless," Todd scrambled to add, "you _do_ want to talk about it now, which...?"

But Dirk was already shaking his head - and yes, he was _absolutely_ nuzzling into Todd's palm in the process, because how could he _not?_ Todd looked so concerned yet so _gentle_ , with this... _acuity_ to his gaze, watching Dirk so closely, ready to do...well, like he said, _anything_. For _him_. That realization alone was enough to get Dirk's lip _truly_ quivering.

"Once-!"

A shuddery, hiccupping breath, and Dirk snapped his mouth shut, bit down on his lips, swallowed hard. It would be all too easy to give in, to just...let the dam break. If he dropped his head down, he could bury his face in Todd's shoulder and cry his eyes out the way he'd been wanting to for _days_ \- but something told him not to. Whether it was that fear of falling to pieces or the will of the universe, Dirk was too wound up to tell.

The silence was too loud. It had to be filled, he _had_ to fill it - but Dirk's vocal cords refused to function, left him to soundlessly, jerkingly open and close his mouth like a fish out of water. Two more failed attempts at speaking later, he closed his eyes with a frustrated, despairing whine.

Then, the rough pad of Todd's thumb skated once more along Dirk's cheek, smearing aside more freshly-shed tears.

"Take your time. It's okay."

It wasn't.

Everything was awful.

Everything except Todd, their linked hands, and the way every comforting word and gesture promised more, whenever Dirk was ready.

They stood there for so long, it felt - just the two of them in the very back room of the agency, not a word shared between them save for occasional comforting nonsense from Todd. The tears didn't stop coming. The lump in Dirk's throat didn't go away, but at the very least, in time, it wasn't suffocating. When he finally summoned the courage to try to talk again, his voice shook, and his mouth warped a little around his words.

"When we...get home, I'll..."

It was all Dirk could get out, yet all he needed to say, because immediately, Todd was nodding, "Yeah. Okay. That's... We'll do that."

He said it like it was a promise - and it _was_. Dirk could feel it. And he didn't know when he'd brought his free hand up to rest over Todd's, but he held Todd's hand to his face all the same, letting it, _needing_ it to ground him as, after a steadying breath or two, he found himself admitting, despite how his chest tightened and his eyes burned a little more because up until that point, he hadn't even made this admission to _himself_ , and the truth _hurt_ , "I j-! It's... W-What it is, Todd, is I'm...I'm tired of feeling so, just..... _bad_."

Another nod from Todd. "I'll bet." Then, he offered the beginnings of an encouraging smile, ducking in close, _really_ seeking out Dirk's eyes. "So how about, before we even start getting into it, we start taking care of you _now?_ "

And as much as he hurt, Dirk felt warm inside - warm like the pair of hands in his own, like the way Todd was looking at him, like the wet, half-broken but hopeful smile he found himself casting Todd in return.

"I'd say you... Well, you already _are_ , aren't you?"

"Well, yeah," Todd shrugged - though not without the faintest tinge of pink gracing his cheeks, it tickled Dirk to notice, "but I was thinking more along the lines of - and I'm not saying this like, 'Do yoga, you'll get better instantly,' but-!"

"W-Wait, why on... _earth_ would you say that?"

"What? N-No, Dirk, I _wouldn't_ , it's-! People - _assholes_ \- say shit like that. I was just letting you know I _wasn't_."

"Okay, but... _why?_ "

" _Because_ I'm about to suggest something, and it's not a cure-all, but-!"

"Well, you _could_ have just said _that_ , you silly man, Todd!"

Said silly man dropped his hand from Dirk's face as he heaved a sigh that was equal parts frustrated and fond.

"Are you gonna let me say my thing or not?"

By then, Dirk found himself smiling wide - and, somehow, the tightness in his chest was a little easier to bear.

"I'm listening."

Still, Todd didn't immediately continue. He regarded Dirk with the slightest hint of suspicion - which, to his credit, wasn't unwarranted, given Dirk's chronic inclination toward interruption, even and especially when he was consciously trying _not_ to - and it was all so familiar, so _routine_ , this and their banter, all while they were still weirdly paused at the back door to the agency, their last bastion of true privacy before their impending trip out into the world for dinner, that for some reason, Dirk felt so _comforted_.

On one hand, yes, they were in for a rough evening. That much was obvious even _without_ the inkling of a hunch tugging uneasily at the pit of Dirk's stomach. He was _not_ looking forward to truly breaking down tonight, to crying himself hoarse as he struggled to string together the words to properly convey to Todd the empty hurt and the frigid, terrifyingly bleak place his mind was so helplessly lost in. And sure, it wouldn't be the first time Dirk had bared his soul to Todd, but opening up just...it was still such a _daunting_ thing.

On the other, Dirk's continuing struggles weren't the _only_ constants in his life. There were other things, _good_ things - not the least of which was the man standing right there in front of him.

"Again, it's not a cure-all or anything," Todd finally, carefully, explained, "but...eating something might help take the edge off. Of your bad mental place. That's all." A beat, during which he shifted his weight to his other foot, deflating slightly. "...I'm trying to help, Dirk."

Dirk nodded - because _obviously_ , he could see that. Todd _was_ right - Dirk _did_ often notice himself feeling a little perkier following meals. Something about refueling, he was sure. So why would...?

Oh.

 _Oh_ , Todd was doing that thing again - that vaguely guilt-tinted thing where he got all awkward after doing or saying something that was actually very good and smart, yet he seemed either unwilling or incapable of recognizing it as such. Like Todd was doubting himself - much like Dirk _himself_ had been doing lately.

And so, it was with a thick chuckle and a grateful squeeze of Todd's hand that Dirk assured him, " _Succeeding_ , actually."

In that moment, something seemed to click into place. Self-doubt visibly melting away, Todd let out a breath, looked into Dirk's eyes in that way that warmed Dirk's heart even further while giving him butterflies like the ones that had danced in his belly before, during, and after their first kiss. Sure enough, Todd brought his hand up, and Dirk let himself be pulled down - but not without adding in the most critical of tones, because, emotional compromise be damned, he simply  _couldn't_ resist: "Although how _yoga_ , of all things, figures into it all, I have yet to see."

Pausing with their lips a mere hairsbreadth apart, Todd rolled his eyes - and on his breath, Dirk could smell a distant fruity note. It was suspiciously similar to that of the little rainbow-striped candy canes Dirk had, in a fit of anxious energy the other day, seen fit to steal from the bowl at the front desk and hang all over the light-up menorah in the front window (before Farah had taken them down on account of their likelihood of melting everywhere - which, yeah, fair enough) _and_ the office Christmas tree. They were, after all, the _perfect_ decorations, being _much_ prettier, in Dirk's opinion, than those boring so-called "traditional" red-and-white ones Todd had once claimed to prefer. Funny, how that had changed.

Back in the present, Todd sighed, "You're _ridiculous_."

"Perhaps," Dirk conceded with a grin, "but you love me."

" _And_ I love you."

With that, Todd's lips were on Dirk's, pressing in sweet but firm, and Dirk gave a content little hum as he responded in kind. He didn't even care that he was starting to tear up a little more, because, for the first time in days, he felt really and truly _present_ \- like maybe, after a good dinner and a good venting session, he _would_ be able to work his way out of his bad mental place.

After all, Dirk wasn't alone - and, he realized when Todd turned away not to hide his blush but to hold the back door open for him with a warm smile, _that_ was what made all the difference.


End file.
